this one’s for me

I had a dream about her.

I had a feeling that may happen at some point, but I didn’t think it would happen today. I guess I would think the same thing if it happened on any other day. Maybe I just didn’t want it to happen.

All morning, I had this nagging feeling… take a self care day. I didn’t especially feel like I needed one, but if I was strongly feeling that way, I felt I should. There’s gotta be a reason, right? Funny how that works.

I went home, wrote a post, and took a nap. I set an alarm and once it went off, I hit “repeat”. Second half of the nap is when I had the dream. That’s when she came into my mind.

I can’t remember all of it, all of the details, but I know I traveled to see her and we were helping her friend with a movie he was making. It was “normal” when we were spending time together (like a lot of other mothers and daughters relationships), relaxing, and fun. She was beautiful, as she always was, but seemed to be even more so now. It was wonderful, being able to talk to her and laugh again with her, to see her smile. I even got to help by being in the movie some, too, when I wasn’t working.

We joked a lot and spent a lot of time talking. There was a point, though, where it seemed like some reality crept in. I was supposed to shoot some scene, but no one was telling me what time or prompting me to do so. I worked the same hours every day and felt they knew that, but no one approached me and I was stressing about it. I used to talk to my mom about my frustrations in my world and there was nothing I could say that she wouldn’t listen to or be able to talk to me about. It was a huge comfort to me. So I tell her about my frustrations with this and I’m angry… “I HAVE to work! I HAVE to make money or I lose everything I have!” Expletives peppered throughout.

That was a lot like the first week after she had passed. I was so frustrated, I HAD to work, I HAD to get shit done, but I was frustrated because I was also dealing with her death and my grief. I was alone with my frustrations, I was upset. That had come out now in the dream during our conversation. In reality, I thought I’d already moved on from that, but clearly I hadn’t. I’m thankful I had her to talk to about it.

Now this led to the hardest part of the dream. No matter what, I was never ashamed to cry to my mom and that’s where our conversation led. There’s always a deeper meaning to my frustrations at normal life things, I know that and I deal with that, but she was the reason I first learned that. We’d start talking as normal about my frustrations, and soon enough, I’d be talking about something that I’d buried much deeper inside and I’d cry and she’d talk me through it.

Back to the dream, yes, I was shouting how frustrated I was that the director wasn’t seeing that I had to go on working, do my normal life, do my normal routine, and I couldn’t just drop everything for their schedule. Then, I turn to her and tears are streaming down my face and I shout “HOW COULD YOU?!”

“HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!”

She’s trying to say something, she’s so sorry. She’s so so sorry. She’s still a comfort.

“WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!”

She responds “I didn’t mean to. I didn’t! It was an accident! I swear. I didn’t know this would happen.”

“BUT YOU DIED! YOU OVERDOSED! YOU KNEW BETTER! YOU LEFT ME!”

I wake up with tears already dried on my cheeks from apparently crying while asleep and then came the fresh ones.

 

I am comforted that I got an answer, whether my mind made it up or she really did come to me. I feel better that I spoke to her “face to face” and could ask her. This post isn’t for you, it’s for me. I need to hold onto this memory and this is my method. Thank you for reading.

6 thoughts on “this one’s for me

    • That’s what I’m thinking! I mean, I can come up with some crazy dreams, but this was so far from my mind and I didn’t even ask those questions when I was thinking of her. I think it was exactly what I needed for some closure.

  1. Alexandra, I’m estranged from my mother and when I wasn’t I wished I would have been. I don’t know how I’ll react, that day will come and we’ii see. When your not working please take time for yourself. Stress causes inflamation with causes pain, you have enough pain right now. I’m thinking of you, I’m always here if you need to talk. I listen well. Hugs

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